Dear Papabear,

I would like advice on the best way you think is to tell my family I’m a furry.

I’m not worried they’ll shun me or look down on me; I’m more worried they’ll tell me to stop. I have been a furry for six years and can’t think of my life without the fandom, for me I can’t flip a switch and be a non-furry, plus the fandom has almost been like a second family to me. It gave me a furry shoulder to cry on when sad and gave me a fuzzy perked up ear to listen when I needed to say something. I realize some people are probably tired of hearing about the whole “coming out” speech but i enjoy the fandom enough to see that it’s not just a hobby, it’s a part of my life.

Thanks for listening and i eagerly await a reply.

–Breakr

Dear Breakr:

This is a great question and one Papabear has come across a lot. As with coming out to a family when you are gay (although you do not mention whether you are gay or straight), it is a delicate situation that you can easily mess up if you take the wrong approach.

A lot depends on what kind of people your parents and other family members are.  Are they open-minded or judgmental?  Have they been supportive of you all your life, or have they treated you poorly?  You don’t really go into details on this, but you DO say that you don’t think they will shun you or look down on you, which is a good sign. Why they would “make you stop” when they seem to be understanding people is another question.

I think part of the problem is that many furries think that others will consider being a furry shameful, as if you are a deviant.  To begin with, you should not approach it this way when you discuss it with your family. If you go into the dialog with the notion that being a furry is no worse than being, say, a Trekkie, then your parents will pick up on this and not think it is so bad at all. If, on the other hand, you have it in your mind that you are a “deviant” this, too, will come across when you talk about it.

Body language is key here. Don’t go into the conversation with your head hung down, looking at your feet, mumbling and acting nervous. Look at them straight in the eye, as if you were asking them about what’s for dinner.

Bad Approach:

“Mom, Dad, have you ever heard about furries? Like, maybe you caught that CSI episode when a bunch of people in animal costumes were having sex? Well, I’m really into that.”

Good Approach:

“Mom, Dad, you know I like fantasy literature and stuff like Disney animated cartoons, right? Well, I really like that stuff, and I have been talking to some people online who also like it. They like to draw anthropomorphic characters—you know, kind of like Dumbo or Bambi—and write stories about them. Some of them call anthropomorphic characters ‘furries’ for short, and we all talk about it online. Anyway, I just wanted to explain that to you so if you see me drawing or writing about furry characters you know what it’s about. I’ve been making some friends online and I would like to also meet them in person. It can get a little goofy sometimes. You know, like a Star Trek fan wearing Spock ears, but instead sometimes my friends will wear animal ears for fun, stuff like that.”

And go on from there.  It’s all in how you approach the subject: act ashamed of it and your family will see that immediately in you and act like you are a drug addict; act nonchalant about it, as if it’s no big deal (which it shouldn’t be), and they will hopefully react to your news just as nonchalantly. Let them ask questions about it, and be honest in your replies. If they ask about “fursuit sex” or something like that, just say, “Well, a lot of these people are teenagers and, just like other teenagers, they might have sex, but that’s not what I’m about. I just like making friends.”

I hope that this helps, Breakr. Papabear is proud of you for being who you are.

Bear Hugs.

Papabear

* * *

Hi Papabear,

I was wondering something for a while. Ever since I joined the Furry fandom in 2009, I’ve been having trouble trying to figure out what kind of fur I am. I know it’s feline, but I’m not sure what race. I’ve figured out White Tiger but… I really don’t know. And I’m kind of tired of changing it so much. It’s gone from pink cat, to cabbit, to leopard, to fox, and now white tiger.

So my question to you is, do you know how someone could discover that part of them?

–Desphiria

Hi, Desphiria,

Papabear understands such transitions. When I was a little cub, I was a wolf; then, as a teenager and 20-something, I was a dragon, and now I am a bear.  I believe that many furries change species as they themselves change, which is particularly true as you grow through your teenaged years and discover who you are.

Don’t be upset if you can’t figure it out right away. One thing you can do, though, is learn more about the various species that catch your interest. Do some research on foxes, leopards, tigers, etc., and as you learn more about them you might discover which ones have traits most like your own.

Another, less scientific way is to think about your dreams. When you dream, do you ever dream about certain animals? When you do, do you feel a closer affinity to some rather than others?

You do not have to actually be dreaming, either, to feel a connection to certain species. While I am, of course, a bear, I have learned that I also have some connections to Owl because I’ve had personal experiences with them in my real life. This is not a bad thing. Indeed, if you believe at all in animal spirituality and the Medicine Wheel, it is healthy to balance certain animal aspects of yourself with other animals. I believe this is why some furries like hybrids.

So, Papabear’s advice to you would be to, first, relax and take time to explore your soul and your connection to other species. Educate yourself about animals and their behaviors. Be open to dreams and to your personal physical experiences as well. The more open you are to other animal spirits, the easier it will be for the spirit that most suits you to let you know that they are there for you, that they are your animal match.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear

Disclaimer
Opinions and advice expressed in the “Ask Papabear” column are not necessarily those of the Furry News Network, its staff, sponsors, or advertisers. Papabear is not a trained therapist, physician, or social worker, and the author of “Ask Papabear” will refer readers to licensed professionals in cases where such recommendations seem in order.

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