Animals escape zoos, migrate to Missouri this December!

Author: F3con

This release was provided by F3con staff, and has not been independently confirmed.

There was a jailbreak of epic proportions at zoos worldwide last week. According to sources across the globe, numerous animals discovered a way out, and wasted no time making their escapes. “I was in the office keeping an eye on the enclosure cameras, and all I remember is seeing the antelopes, tigers, and otters just stand up on their hind legs and start walking, like they were born to do it. Well, before I fainted, anyway. When I woke up, all the cages were empty.”, said F. Uzi Lagik, of the Downtown Zoo.

While there is no word on how exactly these creatures managed this incredible feat, there have been sightings of animals calmly walking the streets in many municipalities. Scientists are baffled with the peaceful and friendly behavior of even the most aggressive species since their escape. There have been no attacks, and even when approached, they exhibit friendly curiosity, waving, and happy noises. Reports are coming in from all over of even the most dangerous animals giving warm hugs to passersby. “It was so awesome! I got to hug a real dinosaur!” boasted Bonnie, 6yo, of Flufburg. Some individuals have even said they have heard the animals speak, but we all know that’s the stuff of Saturday-morning cartoons.